Excuse me, ma’am..

Howdy readers!

I figure a good ol’ Texan greetin’ be a mighty fine way of startin’ this here bloggin’ thing-a-ma-jig.

But, since I can’t keep up that Texan accent for the entire course, let’s just move ahead now.

I’ve been debating for a couple days now what to blog about. I’d considered Research and Writing; also Getting Back in the Groove; and a few other miscellaneous writing focused topics. But that didn’t seem to suit my style. Much less do I feel writing a blog about writing excuses me from my writing-absence. (I dare not refer to the time I haven’t been writing as a vacation; it deserves no such excuses.)

I’ve settled for telling an embarrassing anecdote from my personal life. It’s made a couple rounds, proven itself a hilarious tale, so let’s start, shall we?

To set the mood…

Holla!

Excuse me, Ma’am…

The day was bright, unexceptional in East Texas. I had to run by the grocery store, pick up a few items.

As I’m wandering the aisles, I noticed a man had eyed me. Smiled as I walked past even and said “Hi.” I nodded and said “Hello” back. (I try to be very polite.)

After checking out, I stopped by the Blockbuster Express Box (similar to Redbox, just blue instead) to find a couple movies for me and the kids to watch later while Daddy’s at work.

As I’m standing there, browsing through the listings, the same gentleman walks past, his friend standing close by. He stops and says, “Excuse me, Ma’am, I don’t do this often, but what is that you’re wearing?”

……….. PAUSE…………….

I always have to pause at this part.

For men: If you walk past a woman in a store and ask her this question, what do you mean? What answer are you expecting?

For women: If a man approaches you in a store and asks you that question, what do you think he means? What do you answer?

Now that you’ve thought about that.

………….PLAY……………..

I very casually, and after only a few seconds of hesitation reply: “A black sweater.”

Indeed.

My reply to, “Ma’am, what is that you’re wearing?” is “A black sweater.”

And mentally, I was already cataloging my other pieces of attire to round out my reply with, “Grey tank top, black pants, tennis shoes, socks and under-things.” (Like I’m going to reference my under clothes in conversation with a strange man! At least, not by direct name!)

No, seriously. While I am the physical and feminine embodiment of the Absent-Minded-Professor, I am amazingly adept at cataloging those minute thoughts that pass through my mind in seconds. (I think it was the brief time I spent practicing meditation. I learned to see and hear my thoughts as they run past. Helps with keep track of story ideas, too.)

His reply….

Bent-over-clutching-belly-with-one-hand-grabbing-knees-with-the-other laughter.

And then, “Oh, sweetheart, I meant your perfume.”

In my mind was the glaring neon side: Why didn’t you just say THAT?

I replied, after pulling my mouth from the words Gray tank top, black pants, etc. “It’s just something I got at Walmart. Called Tabu.” (Or Taboo. I can’t ever seem to remember the spelling.)

While still chuckling, he says, “Well, it smells nice.” Then he leaves, a great big grin on his face. I get the movies and skedaddle as fast as short legs’ll take me.

But wait…. there’s more!

So, upon arriving in my drive way, still going over that brief conversation in my head, I keep coming back to:

1) Why didn’t the guy just say “What’s that perfume you’re wearing?”

2) How on Earth under Heaven did he smell it???????????

I started pondering whether or not men had a better sense of smell, because I sure couldn’t smell the small spritz I’d put on hours ago. There was a brief internal debate about the detection of feminine pheromones and sense of smell, and then I realized that I had a man in the house I could just ask!

A few hours later, I wake the hubby up for work and explain to him the situation at the store. I ask if men have a better sense of smell.

……….PAUSE……….

This is just for you average folk out there to really soak this in.

I seriously, very studiously, asked my husband if men had a better sense of smell since this guy at the grocery store could smell my perfume and asked me what brand it was.

Yeah.

……….PLAY…………

My wonderful husband proceeds to laugh, though a gentle chuckle followed by an embarrassed head shake.

He explains that:

1) the man was hitting on me because

2) he more than likely couldn’t smell my perfume but

3) women are usually very proud of the accessories they wear and spray on themselves and

4) perfume is an excellent method of getting a woman to talk about herself which

5) leads the woman to think a man is truly interested in her since he’s listening and not yawning and

6) might get her to either offer her number or willingly give it if he asks.

He then explains why this fails to work on me because:

1) I don’t take particular care in my choice of accessories and tend to forget what it is I’ve put on, whether earrings, bracelet, perfume, or even clothing (as in “Oh yeah, that’s the shirt I’m wearing!”) and

2) I’m naive and

3) I’m innocent.

He then reminds me of the time when I was 22 years old and while driving with him down the road remarked: I don’t know why people paint their lawns that turquoise color. It’s not realistic. Why not paint it green?

Also that he almost hit the brakes hard enough to squeal so he could stop, stare at me, then shake his head in an embarrassed way. (He did inform me at the time that it was pesticide, whereupon I called my sister to tell her that–assuming she still thought it was paint, too, who told me that No, she knew it was pesticide and had known that for a while now. *sigh* I will also freely admit that I have to restrain myself from blurting out “paint” when I see it and remind myself it’s pesticide. Ah, the pieces of youth we cling to.)

I had to ask if other women would have known the man was referring to perfume, and after performing a short survey..

Yes. Yes, they would have.

<fin>

There you have it. An extremely embarrassing story. One I will both enjoy telling and retelling for the laughs it gets, while secretly inside it’s to remind myself that when a man asks you what you’re wearing, unless he specifically asks for your brand/style of clothing, he probably means your perfume.

(I hope that video embed works!)

BTW, I’m Back in Business….

In two days I’ve written half of a short story, which I hope to complete tonight or by tomorrow afternoon. (Doing research for a, er, research project took a few hours longer than I thought it would, so I’ve been left with the option of sleeping very little or not sleeping at all–I will probably choose to get some sleep!)

I’ve got two other projects lined up and ready to start/resume as soon as I’ve finished this one. Editing another complete story before I send it out into the world once more. (It’s been rejected 3 times so far. But, hey, it has been rejected… which means I did send it out!)

I have plans to have new fiction posted to the site within the next week. (Not the current short story in the works. That one is something special. But something new, just for y’all.)

As well as more regular blogging, and a return to such prolific subjects like book/movie reviews (which earn my blog stat keep! At least 10 a day, even when I don’t blog!) and writing tips, and my specialty, funny personal anecdotes.

So, keep an eye out. I’m back in the saddle again. Ready to ride?

Random Paranoid Fear of the Day #48

Late in the Texas night, bugs begin thudding quite heavily upon the windows, attracted by the light (or two) that I can’t resist having on until I go to sleep. One day, several hundred of these bugs, particularly the big ones that don’t go “thud” –they go “THUMP”– will realize that if they synchronize their banging, they’ll crack the window and force their way in. *shivers*

Bugs!!!!!

Aaaaiiiieeeee!!!!!

(These, uh, pictures doing anything for ya? Let me know, huh? I put work into that, and if it just drags down the load time, I can just cut it out, yeah?)

Til next time, kiddies….

An Open Letter to Comedy Central over the Censorship of South Park

To Ms. Runyan and Others Whom It Concerns:

By today, you have noticed the enormous backlash against your broadcasting network regarding your decision to first excessively censor and then remove from both the channel and website the most recent episodes of South Park. Shortly after, previous episodes available on the website for online streaming disappeared, becoming available in weekly increments starting Saturday. I do not know if this is a regular occurrence regarding the streaming of current season episodes. I sincerely doubt that it is considering they’re going to be available in a relatively short amount of time, leaving absolutely no profitable reason for not allowing them to be streamed now.

However, much more disconcerting is that you have back tracked and removed an episode from 9 seasons ago, and not just in that you never broadcast it anymore on Comedy Central. Nor that you have just removed its availability on the website. I cannot even access this episode on my Netflix Instant on my Playstation 3 console. Where I pay for the right to instantly rent movies rather than wait for a disc in the mail. It is no different than getting the disc in the mail. I personally do not understand how or why this is a reasonable action. I can almost, if I tilt my head a little to the left, see why it would seem smart to remove it from the website, but to take such drastic action as to remove it from any possible connection to the Internet? There is only one step to go forward on this path. You may as well pull the hard copies from store shelves and eat the profit loss, because if censorship is your goal, you have surpassed everyone’s expectations.

You may think that catering to the whims of terrorists who feed on our fear, use it for their own selfish and immoral gain, is a smart way of protecting your bottom line. But obviously, it isn’t. You are only hurting yourselves. You have lost fans. There are people, hundreds of thousands, who will refuse to watch anything broadcast by your network. Who will go so far as to boycott your parent companies, Viacom and CBS Corporation. Ratings will drop. Profits will plummet. All because your company catered to “possible” threats by a group of people who don’t even represent the whole religion. Radical Islamic terrorists may be what people picture when someone says the word, “Muslim.” But they do not own the entire religion. They do not control the entire Muslim world. Much less hold as much sway as people tend to believe. In fact, your catering to terrorist demands only gives them more power. Because people, of all shapes, kinds, and faiths, respect persons they consider to have authority.

You have essentially told the world that Muslim terrorists have power. And then proved it.

By trying to not offend these terrorists, you have only added fuel to the fire that burns within them. They now know that if you dip a toe into a pool of water they do not like, they but have to yell “BOO” and you will jump six feet into the air and run away screaming.

Have you no shame? Speak of security concerns all you please, men and women have died overseas fighting for Democracy, to give real, unaltered Freedom a chance in places that lacked any such rights before. They fight so others may share in our right to express ourselves in any way we wish. Yes, sometimes words can cause violence; yes, sometimes there are repercussions for what we say, but where is your right to deem censorship the path to fix these problems? No good ever results from censorship, as you can well see now. Your company will suffer, your network will suffer, perhaps not as much as it rightly deserves, but it will still feel the bite of those who fight for Freedom of Speech, and never against it.

You see, what we understand and you do not, is that everyone must stand by their words. The creators of South Park themselves wrote, created, and produced episodes 200 and 201 exactly as they wanted it to be. They were willing to make compromises, and censored the image of Muhammad– not out of respect for Muslims, but because they knew it would only be rejected if they didn’t– and you took it the next step out of your own fear, not theirs. They sent it to you in a form and shape they were willing to stand by, whatever the consequences may be. And who in your company has the Magic 8 ball that gives the exact right answer every time? Who asks it ridiculous questions like, “Will airing Ep. 201 get us killed? Will it cause a riot we could be sued for?”

Where are your principles? If they were at your bottom line, you wouldn’t be alienating your rather expansive fan base by debasing a show that has always had the courage to say the hard stuff, in a way satiric, raunchy, and with a delicate touch of intelligence that does, in fact, reach people. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are no idiots. They do not produce a “dick and fart” joke show that does nothing but only poke fun at celebrities and weave ridiculous story lines together. They end nearly every episode with a moral. Not always a smart one, not always one that is touching and sincere, but they try to remind people that it’s just a show, and to take something positive from it.

In fact, you bleeped one of the few redeeming qualities of Ep. 201, where Kyle speaks of “what he learned today” and touches, pertinently so, on how it’s important to not cave into fear and intimidation. And sadly, I know no more than that because no one is allowed to know what Kyle, Jesus, and Santa Claus said to illuminate the purpose of the two episodes!

Benjamin Franklin once said, “Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

You have given up your liberties. You have shamefully given up the liberties of others. The actual creators were willing, whether courageous or stupid in their bravery, to stand by what they had made, whether it brought them harm or had far worse consequences. In the end, they were unashamed of what they had produced. They felt it held value and did more than just offend people. They have never been afraid talk about the issues no one else will discuss. That even the lauded “Family Guy” won’t seriously approach. And while a critic may not think they approach any topic seriously, they always have been and always will be willing to approach them. That is more than can be said for nearly every show on television. There is no other show that has gone full-force at nearly every seriously debated issue in the public limelight, with both a light heart and serious undertones that remind the world that nothing–nothing–is as serious as we sometimes think it is.

You all took the threat so seriously you were willing to give up your liberties for just a minor, brief sense of safety. You don’t deserve either.

People can say that Matt and Trey have not taken the threat as seriously as they could have, but perhaps they have it right, and all their detractors have it wrong. We cannot take every threat, every nasty dirty word, lobbed our way seriously, otherwise we would be nothing but broken bones and hearts lying cold in the street.

Sometimes, if you believe in yourself, in what you’re doing, you have to do it, no matter how many times someone says you’re wrong. Most especially when your country’s Bill of Rights guarantees you the ability and right to say what you need to say.

If you wish to become the Ministry of Truth, to alter history in favor of yourself, to appear as though you’ve never dared to offend anyone… excuse me, anyone you think could possibly harm you.. because we all know you have been ever willing to let South Park throw crap upon layer of crap on Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Scientology, celebrities, racial stereotypes, homosexuals, transsexuals, and so on and so forth, because these groups will protest, but never threaten violence.. you do no more than expose your company for the coward it truly is. Sometimes there is risk involved in bravery, in speaking the truth about the hard issues that no one else is willing to talk about, but that’s what makes South Park the amazing show it is. There is always something controversial going on in South Park, and it opens the lines of communication for people to discuss these issues in way that allows us to approach it a little less seriously, which makes honest dialogue easier to come by.

So, to the commandants who manage Comedy Central, repeal your banishment of South Park’s 200th and 201st episodes. Let the world see them as they were meant to be seen. Do not trade your liberty for brief security, but stand tall in knowing that you are of few brave enough to speak the truth, to approach an issue loaded with fire on either side, and inject humor into the situation. Help people see the light, instead of fueling the flames on either side.

Through your actions you have not averted violence. You’ve extended its breeding ground. Keep in mind that many fans of South Park are US citizens, and these US citizens now have another reason to misinterpret the Islamic religion. The Muslims who raised but a few voices against you will only spread the word that only a few key words are necessary to bow the back of the great giant that is the United States of America.

Remember where your company resides. Remember where you live. Remember where you were born. Remember what your life as an United States citizen should mean, and stand by that!

Shanna Wynne

A former viewer, a fan of South Park, and a highly disappointed American Patriot

Categories: Uncategorized

Been So Long…

Yeah. I know. I’m a horrible blogger. But.. I moved, guys! I’ve been busy!! And my kids’ schedules changed (the big’un goes to school at 7.45 now – what an unearthly hour to make a kid start school, right? I mean, it’s kindergarten!! – and the other doesn’t head that way until 12.30!!) which leaves me 2.5 hours of quiet time sans munchkins under foot, but since the hubby works nights now, that’s the only quiet time we get together daily… So.. yeah.. My schedule’s full til about midnight nowadays. (It is a blessing that the hubby’s job gives him internet access and we get to talk in the evenings. Keeps us connected.)

But… I am here now. And this is better than staring at Facebook wondering if I should bother seeding new crops on Farmville. The way Facebook has taken over my life…

So I’m sitting here right now… honestly, waiting for the clock to go round enough so I can wash the dye out of my hair…  (yeah, I do that sometimes… but only when the hubby’s made a point of saying “Shanna your roots are showing and their 3x lighter than the rest of your hair…” LOL) … thinking of what to blog about..

For me, this is like that meet and greet small talk at a work picnic for the spouse where you don’t know anybody. It’s been a while, I’m out of the habit (shameful!), and now… The weather has certainly been lovely lately here in Texas. It’s quit raining finally. (The first month we were here it seemed to rain every other day!) But now it’s warming up, our air conditioning went kaput, and the only cool air is in my home office. (ha! Encouragement to go write or what?)

Man. Look at all those typos. The atrocious format. Writing is long over due. I’m turning into one of those people who spends too much time writing like they’re in a chat room, or updating a social network status.

Although I do find it highly amusing that even without blogging regularly… at all… for months, I still get 10-20 views per day. That’s pretty sweet, actually. Does that mean I have some sort of audience? At the least, I’ll have to send Google a big thank you for finding ways to place my blog in search listings!

So here I am. For those wondering where I went, life whisked me away for a while. But I’m making my return.

I can’t think of anything funny, witty, or even entertaining to really add.

Tomorrow I’ll try to put something together more legible. How’s that?

Transferral in Progress

9 February 2010 Shanna Wynne 2 comments

Just a quick dip in. I know it’s been forever since I last posted. (Sorry. Life started getting busy! Both kids in school, helping the hubby with his college homework, cleaning house, the usual stuff… Takes up a lot of time!) But life is looking to settle down once more. We’re moving… to Texas. Yup. You heard right. Texas.

The Lone Star State

The Lone Star State

I would’ve blogged sooner, but this last month of preparing, cleaning, packing, etc. has been a real doozy. The final transition is made this weekend. Soon after I will have my own personal office (which means lots of quiet time for writing!! hooray for that!!) and lots of distraction-less time. (Moving to a new place sorta does that.)

Anyway, the blog will be continued soon enough. With lots of new goodies in store!

Have a great Valentine’s Day, y’all! I’m a-gonna be moving that day, but it’s all good here.

Categories: Life, Writing